Updated: Nov 13, 2020
I will be 50 on Sunday.
50 years old.
Half a century.
Six months before I turned 40, I went into a deep contemplation for almost a year. Four decades on the planet... What did I have to show for it? I didn’t realize at the time that I was beginning a deep Spiritual dive that would blossom and unfold in ways I never expected throughout the subsequent decade. Most importantly, it culminated with 2019 being “the year I gave up codependency” and began a sincere focus on letting go of achievement and productivity being my standard of success.
I guess you could say I prefer to be a human BEing rather than a human DOing.
I was born on April 12, 1970 at 3:07pm Central time. The way my mother tells it, my grandfather (the doctor that delivered me) told her at 3:00 that he was leaving to catch a plane at 3:15, and she had better finish in time if he was going to be the doctor involved. (This is also the grandparent that retired to Florida seven years later, and the reason I fell in love with the Sunshine State and eventually moved there myself at 28, with a husband and four children.)
For almost 50 years I have been a “good girl.” I have played by the rules, followed society’s expectations, and did what I needed to do to fit in. These days I feel like fifty years was enough. I think I’ll try things my way for the next 50.
For the last 3 years I have been on a journey of self discovery. When the last child was moving out of the house, I quit a perfectly good career and bought an RV. I have never regretted my decision. Not even for a brief moment. The ONLY thing I have missed about my old life is my recliner. Seriously. There will be one in my future, for sure. 😉
In 50 years, I have had people come and go. Very few by my own choice. It is simply the natural ebb and flow of lives interconnecting for seasons, and reasons, as it were. Even today I have many people that I love deeply that don’t hear from me enough, for no other reason than I am finally focusing my attention on myself for a change. And, while I definitely miss my friends, the ones who love me as much as I love them will understand the importance of this current hibernation, and they will still love me when I emerge once more from the cocoon.
So I’m turning 50, and I’m in “isolation” like a good girl. I’m sitting here on a gorgeous mountain, in a beautiful life of my own creation, with the love of my life. I live and work at a campground, with amazing employers that are becoming very dear lifelong friends. I am making Art, and writing. I am meditating daily, walking in nature all the time, and connecting weekly with a group of humans that are striving to grow in the same ways that I am.
At this point I think it’s safe to say that I am truly happy and at peace. And from this space, I will allow myself to fully experience my human existence on my own terms for the second half.