“I’m still here.”

I woke up with a song 28 hours ago, and it hasn’t left me yet. I just got out of bed because the moment I lay there quietly, it came back once more...

“I want a moment to be real.”

I’ve painted more, and made more Art in the last two days than I have in a while. Sure, I’ve stitched quite a bit this year. I even have another finished protest piece that I haven’t shown the public yet. But the painting and the mixed media work have really exploded since the song came through. 

This is my process. This is how I know that I am back in my very best flow. 

It usually starts with a song. I get haunted by it. Lyrics circling in my head, giving me lessons in every line until I eventually get all of it, and then it moves along. I’m so used to it now that I forget this may not be everyone’s way of speaking with their soul. LOL

I keep wanting to say “It started with...” but each time I remember it, I remember the song before. I guess it’s actually been happening since I was a child, but I never truly understood it until 2017. That was when an Elton John song haunted me for a full 30 days before I got every last lesson in every last line of the lyrics. 

It starts with a song showing up out of nowhere, playing over and over in my mind, inspiring writing or Art or just paying attention to my own thoughts and feelings. Sometimes the song will have messages in the lyrics that I need in the moment, but more often it is a feeling it brings up that manifests memories and clear vision. It’s almost as if the song shows up to be a filter so I can see, hear, feel from my soul instead of my human. 

In 2018 it was a Coldplay song that I played on repeat for three days while I cried every past relationship pain out of my body. 

In mid 2019 it was clear vision about Wyatt and I, and living alone for a season, which also led to numerous other songs, which led to more writing and Art making than I have done throughout my entire life. 

Last winter it was a Panic At The Disco! song from a soundtrack that reminded me who I am while I kept going and going and going on a three month long sojourn that culminated in collapsing back in my trailer on a mountain, exhausted, dehydrated, and depleted. 

“And how can the world want me to change? They’re the ones that stay the same...”

This year has brought massive shifts for everyone. I’ve certainly had my share. I have spent more time re-directing and wondering where I went than I care to admit. This year has just been a LOT. And I got stuck. My muse was gone. I seriously began to think I would never write, or paint, again. 

In November and December, I finally got a chance to sleep, and rest as much as I wanted to, and all I could do was have anxiety. Like seriously bad anxiety. I’m such a constantly accomplishing type of human that I literally do not know how to just chill and do nothing without having complete anxiety that I am not fulfilling some obligation that I’ve forgotten about, or am not living up to an expectation that I wasn’t even aware of. That is simply how I roll. 

And so, I slept. I ate. I took herbal medicine. And eventually I was able to relax into the moment again, completely in my power to see that it was me. It was nothing more than me being unable to break the programming I have had my whole life that I am not worthy unless I am producing, or accomplishing. Naturally, the moment I realized that, and sat with it for a while, the anxiety dissipated and the next song came in. 

“I’m still here...”

Yes, I’m still here. And I have so very much to share. But for once in my life I am learning to appreciate the natural ebbs and flows that we all experience. 

Expansion and contraction. Our very breath is trying to teach us in each moment. 🙏🏼

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